Head 2 Head
The two greatest, most brilliant minds at The Prowler go head-to-head this month on the topic everybody cares about: Chick-fil-A or Zaxby’s? Read each side and decide at the bottom who you think wins!
An indescribably good argument
In the nasty, disgusting, oily world of fast food, options be limited. Life be hard. Food be gross. In the words of baseball player Oscar Gamble, “They don’t think it be like it is, but it do.”
When you’re driving home from practice or out on a Sunday, you do not want appalling Mexican food that makes you regurgitate by just thinking about it, and you most certainly do not want a “burger” with 530 calories. The big question: where are you supposed to go?
In 1990, the second Coming of our Lord and Savior came through Zach Mcleroy and Tony Townley. These two geniuses started a franchise that we call Zaxby’s.
Zaxby’s serves chicken, Zalads, wings, and Zax Sauce. If you ask me, I’d say that it is all finger lickin’ good. The Center for Disease Control ranks delicious substances on a scale of 0 to 3. In my expert medical opinion, Zaxby’s chicken is a solid 2.97, making it the most delicious substance in the world. Because no food or drink has ever been ranked so high, just how delicious is 2.97?
Zaxby’s chicken has been known to alter the state of one’s mind, sending it into a chicken euphoria. When I go to Zaxby’s, I walk in and admire the baseball memorabilia, old Coca-Cola advertisements, and vintage street signs on the walls.
I order my food: chicken finger sandwich meal, every time. The incredibly friendly cashier hands me my food, and I sit down. I then proceed to eat the most delicious chicken on the planet, and I instantly vanish into the euphoria of chicken.
It is then that I can say “Hey, I’m lovin’ it!” I know when I put that tender chicken tender in my mouth, and chew slowly to savor it to the maximum, that I can honestly tell myself, “Now that’s better,” with a sigh of relief.
Zaxby’s chicken has been known to alter the state of one’s mind, sending it into a chicken euphoria.
— Liam O'Connell
Every time I go, I come hungry and leave happy. It pains me to think that some people have to tolerate inferior food because they haven’t experienced the wondrous adventure land of Zaxby’s. They should “eat mor chikin.”
Quick rhetorical question: How do you know a certain fast food chain is better a different fast food chain? When both the entrées and the sauce are better than the other’s. The proof is not in the pudding! It’s in the sauce.
I am not a sauce person. I get weird looks when I order salad without dressing or send my burgers back when they come with ketchup/mustard/mayonnaise. I hate sauce. All sauce.
However, at this wonderful institution of food, they have something called “Zax Sauce.” Zax Sauce is the greatest thing on the face of planet earth. Velveeta is liquid gold? False. Zax Sauce is liquid gold. I cannot get enough of Zax Sauce. It will take more than twelve steps to kick this sauce, but who would ever want to?
“Haters keep on hating, cause somebody’s gotta do it,” said Chris Brown. To all you haters, I will do what the great T. Swift told me to, so you can “Hate, hate, hate, hate” but I am just going to “Shake it off.”
Lucky for you, I’m not the only one to praise the chickenland utopia. SMHS English teacher and debate coach Brandon Kendall said, “it is delicious, and [the debate team goes] there quite a bit. The primary reason we attend Zaxby’s is because their chicken is killa, spelled k-i-l-l-a! They always are very friendly, very affable, and like I said, their chicken is killa!”
Literally everyone on planet Earth loves Zaxby’s, so next time you’re on the road, and you need a fast bite, stop at Zaxby’s. They serve chicken, and it’s indescribably good.
Eat better chikin
Liam O’Connell is a great guy. He’s funny. He’s handsome. He’s one of three captains of the debate team. He has his faults, which is understandable. Everyone does. Just to give you an example, he’s very wrong. He thinks Zaxby’s is better than Chick-fil-A. You wouldn’t think he’d be the kind of person to be so disgustingly wrong about something, but he is. He honestly thinks Zaxby’s is the apex predator in the fast food industry.
Zaxby’s, founded in 1990, offers a fairly similar eating experience to Chick-fil-A: chicken-based meals for breakfast, lunch or dinner.
But wait, there is a difference. Zaxby’s doesn’t sell any kind of breakfast meal. Whereas Chick-fil-A offers items like the chicken biscuit, the sausage breakfast burrito, and the Chick-fil-A chicken platter, Zaxby’s offers no such option.
There is no opportunity for the tired Peachtree City teen in the morning if they go to Zaxby’s. There’s no chicken minis or chicken biscuits at Zaxby’s. You didn’t get free coffee from Zaxby’s last February. Chick-fil-A is the simply better choice for a quick meal in the wee hours of the morning.
Not only does Chick-fil-A actually offer breakfast meals, but they’re also one of Starr’s Mill’s biggest sponsors. Chick-fil-A works with SMHS’s entrepreneurship class to sell chicken biscuits in the rotunda in the morning. They give out vouchers for discounted meals, and their food is served at a lot of the school’s sporting events.
This involvement is a wonderful way to not only support our school but also to help the young students who see a future for themselves in business and want to hone their entrepreneurial talent. They’re more than willing to help the school however they can.
Chick-fil-A is the simply better choice for a quick meal in the wee hours of the morning. — Walker Allen
Chick-fil-A also does phenomenally better with the toys in their kids’ meals. Children love toys. That’s a fact of life. Entire franchises get created with the sole purpose of selling toys. Look at Transformers, He-Man, or Go-Bots. Children are obsessed with toys. Nothing is certain but death, taxes, and a child’s love for his toys.
Restaurants know this, which is why almost every fast-food place offers some kind of kids’ meal, with a cheap plastic doohickey included. McDonald’s gives out toys, as does Burger King. Even Subway gives away collectors’ lunch bags. Chick-fil-A gives children a wide variety of great toys, ranging from educational books, to fairytale collections, to little toys that encourage kids to be creative and imaginative.
Zaxby’s does not. They offer kids’ meals. Just smaller, slightly less salty portions of their normal meals, but no toy comes with it. There’s nothing to distract your snot-nosed little brat while you try to eat in a fleeting moment of calming silence.
At Zaxby’s, you don’t order chicken fingers with french fries. You order a salt-lick, with a side of chicken and fries. You get a salt shake with ice. You get a stick of salt soaked in pickle juice. I’m fairly certain that if you ate Zaxby’s more than once a day, you would get dehydrated. I don’t mean “give me a glass of water” dehydrated, I mean “I’ve been walking in the desert for 40 days and have had no nourishment” dehydrated. If you dropped a Zaxby’s Club Basket in a pool, it’d probably soak up all the water.
Chick-fil-A is obviously the better choice for an eating experience. Your annoying child gets a toy to keep them distracted. You get a cheap, filling meal. You support our school. Sure, Chick-fil-A is often busy, but you should just view that as proof to its superiority. Chick-fil-A doesn’t drown their food in salt. Seriously.