Real talk

This month, the two greatest, most brilliant minds at The Prowler took a break from discussing the best culinary poultry palace of Georgia. They sat down for lunch and had a little chat about some of the greatest inventions in history. Is it the epistolary greatness of the written language, the pungent eminence of the septic tank, or the ocular aid of corrective lenses? There’s only one way to find out. You’re about to cross over into Real Talk.

Liam: This is Real Talk: Talk Real, Take 1, here at spacetime 4:20 p.m. plus two here at Chick-fil-A, Starr’s Mill. This is Walker and Liam journalizing. Walker, talk real. We’re talking today about the greatest invention ever. What are your ideas?

Walker: Well, I think that definitely one of the greatest inventions ever is the written language.

L: Alright, well I guess we should introduce our next claim: the septic tank. Just a quick, why septic tanks? You hear that, and you sorta think “whaaat?”

W: Well, I think septic tanks are kind of the unsung hero of the plumbing industry.

L: That’s a really great point.

W: You know, toilet’s are great, but anyone can make a toilet with a wooden board and a bucket, but where does your refuse go?

L: Well, if you don’t live in the great bubble of Peachtree City and Fayetteville, then you put it in a septic tank.

W: Yeah, you know, you city folk may not know, but down here, we use septic tanks.

L: Alright, and I think that our third claim is glasses or contacts, also known as corrective lenses.

W: Yes, as a user of corrective lenses, I can agree.

L: I think of all the users of corrective lenses throughout history, such as Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, —

W: Stephen Hawking

L: Yes, Stephen Hawking. And I’m assuming that if there weren’t corrective lenses back then, there wouldn’t be corrective lenses now. And I see the people who wear them, and you think “If those people were blind or they could not see clearly, then we definitely would not have what we have today.”
W: I can attest that I am not wearing my glasses right now, and I can’t see a thing.

L: And think of like, if there weren’t glasses for you to come drive me here to Chick-fil-A, we would have died! And what would the readers of The Prowler do without us?

W: Yeah, what would The Prowler do without our bright young minds?

L: The two greatest minds at The Prowler.

W: Anyway, back to our topics. Shall we address writing first?

L: Yeah, this was your idea.

W: Yeah, this is a case I wrote last year in debate. Look at what we couldn’t do without writing, say, civilizations each had their own ways of keeping records — like the Incas tied knots–what if the Declaration of Independence was a friendship bracelet that George Washington sent to the King?

L: We wouldn’t be able to study it in textbooks! How would we know?

W: Yeah, there would be no textbooks. Mr. Ratliff could not give us a packet with a broken down declaration for us to put into our own words and that would be a travesty. For us not to have work to do.

L: We’re operating under the assumption that much like Chinese, written language is not associated with spoken language, so just because we can’t write doesn’t mean we can’t speak.

W: Yes.

L: But I think in general, would we be able to communicate verbally with each other?

W: Yes, through everyday interactions and talking to each other.

L: What that does though, is if you can’t write, the only communication we have anywhere is from day to day interactions. You’d only talk to your mom, dad, sisters, teachers, bosses, maybe friends, which sucks.

W: I wouldn’t be able to text my friends. You’d just use a phone for calling.

L: A phone probably wouldn’t exist.

W: Who would write instructions to build it?

L: What would the phone say? I’m looking at it–

W: That time– the 4:36 would be a knot

L: If the phone existed!
W: Look at the Native Americans–

L: Hold on, you’re saying it wrong, it’s Native ‘Muricans.

W: Native ‘Muricans!

L: Good, as journalists, we need to be politically correct.

W: I don’t know what you did in your English class, but we read “The World on the Turtle’s Back.”

L: So did we.

W: I’m sure you went over how the version in the textbook was a very specific version. Ms. Crowder made it clear that the version in our textbook is very specific, so if you Googled the story, you wouldn’t find that specific version, because the Native ‘Muricans didn’t write their stories down.

L: Even with just spoken, there’s no Chick-fil-A menu, no chickenland utopia menu wouldn’t exist, and oh my God, we need to stop. I can’t think about this. The only communication would be through human interaction.

W: English teachers wouldn’t have jobs.

L: Person-to-person interaction, and what would we do if someone like Mr. Spencer did not have a job? There is nothing Mr. Spencer could get paid to do that he does better than teaching. You wouldn’t have anything but person-to-person interaction, which means if I wanted to talk to someone in Colorado, I’d have to go to Colorado. If we lived in a world without the written language, there would be no music.

W: Not necessarily.

L: Well, no means to listen to it. No phones, mp3 players, etc.

W: The only way to hear music would be live events.

L: But how do you advertise for events if everybody is illiterate?

W: You’d have to be one of those groupies that follow bands and know where they are going. I assume you wouldn’t be able to write down sheet music.

L: Yes. But think about if you heard a band you really liked, you wouldn’t be able to listen to it ever unless you followed them around.

W: Here, Liam I’ll help you: “Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down!”

L: You just let me down. Let’s talk about how or why the language is important, and how it should be #1.

W: Well, I enjoy a good book or two. I mean, I think most people do. Most people enjoy reading.

L: Not in high school.

W: Well, no one in school enjoys reading. But in general, people enjoy books and magazines.

L: I think there’s one thing that ever single person uses in their life, at one point or another: some form of language, unless you’re a tribal African, which is about 0.0024 percent of the population.

W: Or that one remote island off of Asia that rejects language.

L: Okay, but I think that if there’s one thing that almost every single human being in history uses, its language.

W: Think of what you couldn’t do if you were illiterate.

L: So next up, septic tanks, and I brought this one up, but I cannot take full credit for this. When we announced our September topic JC Talbott, a staff writer, instantly said “septic tanks.”

W: Instantly, not missing a beat, said “septic tanks.”

L: And we laughed and thought it was a joke.

W: Yeah, we thought he was stupid. We beat him up with a pencil.

L: You what?

W: I’m serious. We stabbed him with sticky notes.

L: But I did something dangerous. I thought about it, and I think it’s a somewhat valid point worth mentioning.

W: How in the world is a septic tank worth mentioning as greatest invention?

L: Okay, so in order to assess how important something is, you have to assess what life would be without it. So, flashback to 1854 when a case of cholera hit London and killed 616 people. Okay, it happened because of an infected water pump, but the pump got its water from the River Thames, which will be important in a second. The outbreak happened because the conditions in London were ripe for an epidemic because of unhygienic practices of the Londoners.

W: Londoners… Londenese? Londanians, that’s it. Londnaians.

L: These people dumped their poop in the River Thames!

W: Feces, man. Come on, gotta be scientifically accurate.

L: They dumped infected feces in the river, which was not only unsanitary, but that’s disease right there. These people contracted cholera from the feces they dumped into the street. I couldn’t find exactly how many people were infected through fecal matter, but it certainly did not make the conditions easier for doctors.

W: Where did you find all this?

L: Wikipedia.

W: Pfftt.

L: No, no, no, hold on. Don’t go judging yet. Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information. Look at what the septic tank does for the people. It gives people a place to put their crap, so that they don’t have to dump it in a river. 600 people would have lived in 1854 and think about how many more people there would be today if they hadn’t died 150 years ago. Look in modern-day Africa, where this stuff happens all the time, and think about the effect septic tanks can have on their lives. You know, Donald Trump can make America great again, he can, and everybody knows it. He can do it. The only reason his poll number isn’t 100 percent is because he hasn’t told everybody where the money is coming from. Let me tell you what he’s going to do: he’s going to get a group of people, the best people, brightest minds — and he knows some good people — he’s going to assemble them and they’re to make America great again by installing septic tanks in Africa. I’m not sure exactly how many per village he’ll install. I’m thinking maybe three per village or tribe, but he can do it. That’s how he’ll make the U.S. great again. I just want to point out that it’s great that someone like Donald Trump can run for a position of public office like POTUS, because it shows how open minded and accepting the American people are. You don’t have to be a Congressman or a former governor or a former CEO– you can be a current CEO, and I think that speaks a good volume to the world of what America stands for. I tip my hat and wag my tail to you, America. Lady Liberty, you look gorgeous today, and I guess everyday if I may say so myself.

W: I had never considered it, but that’s definitely the best idea I’ve ever heard. After hearing that, I’m going straight to the polls to cast my ballot for the Don.

L: That’s good, I think you’re getting the message.

W: I definitely am— but as I was saying at the beginning, the septic tank is the unsung hero of the toilet industry. Anyone can make a toilet with two boards and a bucket, and a pipe is just a tube of metal, but the septic tank, it’s a huge space for poo– feces. Sorry.

L: At least you corrected yourself. They’re nothing more than space, but’s that’s all we need them to be.

W: Simple and useful.

L: Septic tanks are not the hero Peachtree City deserves, because we have a sewer system, but they’re the hero Black Forest deserves.

W: What does Germany have anything to do with septic tanks?

L: No, Black Forest, Colorado, where my grandmother lives. My family goes there every Christmas, and it smelled really bad when we used to go there — really bad — because they did not have sewer systems. Now, my grandmother has a septic tank, and it doesn’t smell bad. Septic tanks saved the Forest. And then in 2012, a fire burned a lot of homes, so…

W: Always a happy ending.

L: That’s how we roll.

W: Corrective lenses! Liam how long have you been wearing glasses?

L: Had them since I was 9, and I’ve worn contacts since I was 12.

W: I got mine in 6th grade because I was failing math. I sat in my seat and I couldn’t see the board and I started failing. Math isn’t my best subject, I’ll be honest, math is lot of people’s worst subject. Math is hard. It isn’t fun. You can’t be good at it if you can’t see the formulas on the board. How are you supposed to do anything? So I’m taking my glasses off right now, and I can’t see anything on the board, no posters, no writing.

L: It says Nine-Inch Nails.

W: Yeah, Liam can see it because he’s wearing his glasses, but not me.

L: Yeah, I can’t see anything without these glasses.

W: And we’re talking under the assumption that there would be no glasses or contacts today, which means that people like Ben Franklin, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, they wouldn’t have been able to do what they did to contribute to humanity today.

L: Without glasses, there would be no smart people, meaning without glasses, anarchy.

W: Pretty much hammer on the head, nailed it.

L: But seriously, if John Lennon couldn’t read sheet music or see what fret he was on, how could The Beatles have been any good? It’s like “Zoolander:” “How can we be expected to teach the students if they can’t even fit in the building?”

W: Stephen Hawking, you and me, Stephen Colbert, David Letterman, the Dalai Lama… the list is endless.

L: This one isn’t too hard, I think. You can just observe and realize that without glasses, humanity would be very far behind. If Gandhi couldn’t see, he wouldn’t have been able to have coordinate the Salt March to the Arabian Sea.

W: Yeah.

L: He would’ve ended up in Calcutta.

W: It’s like icing on a cake— you don’t entirely need glasses, but it’s nice to have them.

L: I disagree– I think I need them and that they are very necessary to my education and life.

W: Okay, summary.

L: The written language allows people to communicate when they are not right next to each other. Very important for everyday life.

W: Of course. How can we declare independence if we can’t write?

L: Septic tanks prevent cholera!
W: And feces odor.

L: No glasses means no smart-looking people.

W: And no significant contributions from plenty of people throughout history.

L: Boom.

W: We don’t know what it’s like to live without these three things, and thank goodness we don’t have to–

L: Thank Trump! Okay! This has been Real Talk: Talk Real. Here it is spacetime 5:03 p.m. here at Chick-fil-A, Starr’s Mill. This was Walker and Liam journalizing. We just finished talking today about the greatest invention ever. Thanks for joining us. It’s been real.